The Ballestero Blog

What If God Talked Slang Like We Do?

• Would you be offended?
• Would you get the point?

Warning: This is not meant to be a mockery of Holy Scriptures. Nor is it meant to be sacrilegious or demeaning.

Some church members seem to read the Bible without getting the point. They act like they don’t understand what is written even when it is talking to them. That made me wonder if they would understand it better if it God talked like they did.

I apologize ahead of time if this is offensive in your mind to God or His Word.

What If When God Gave You What You Wanted, Then Took Away Something More Important And Said… “How Do You Like Them Apples?”

Psa 106:15 And he gave them their request; but sent leanness into their soul.

What If God Let Something Unexpected Or Unpleasant Happen To You And Then Said… “Deal With It”?

Num.11:31 And there went forth a wind from the LORD, and brought quails from the sea, and let them fall by the camp, as it were a day’s journey on this side, and as it were a day’s journey on the other side, round about the camp, and as it were two cubits high upon the face of the earth.

Num.11:32 And the people stood up all that day, and all that night, and all the next day, and they gathered the quails: he that gathered least gathered ten homers: and they spread them all abroad for themselves round about the camp.

Num. 11:33 And while the flesh was yet between their teeth, ere it was chewed, the wrath of the LORD was kindled against the people, and the LORD smote the people with a very great plague.

Num. 11:34 And he called the name of that place Kibrothhattaavah: because there they buried the people that lusted.

 What If God Said, “I Hate Your Guts”?

Rom. 9:13 As it is written, Jacob have I loved, but Esau have I hated.

What If God Posted A List Of People He Hates?

Prov. 6:16 These six things doth the LORD hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him:

Prov. 6:17 A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood,

Prov. 6:18 An heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief,

Prov. 6:19 A false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren.

What If The Bible Said: “You’re Crazy.”

Gal. 3:1 O foolish Galatians, who hath bewitched you, that ye should not obey the truth, before whose eyes Jesus Christ hath been evidently set forth, crucified among you?

What If The Bible Said: “You’re Full Of The Devil.”

1Sa 2:12 Now the sons of Eli were sons of Belial; they knew not the LORD.

John 8:44 Ye are of your father the devil, and the lusts of your father ye will do. He was a murderer from the beginning, and abode not in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaketh a lie, he speaketh of his own: for he is a liar, and the father of it.

What If God Said, “What’s Wrong With You?”

Gen 21:17 And God heard the voice of the lad; and the angel of God called to Hagar out of heaven, and said unto her, What aileth thee, Hagar? fear not; for God hath heard the voice of the lad where he is.

What If God Said: “Not In A Million Years”?

Judges 2:1 And an angel of the LORD came up from Gilgal to Bochim, and said, I made you to go up out of Egypt, and have brought you unto the land which I sware unto your fathers; and I said, I will never break my covenant with you.

What If God Said: “Don’t Go Stupid On Me”?

Gal 3:3 Are ye so foolish? having begun in the Spirit, are ye now made perfect by the flesh?

What If God Said: “You’re Driving Me Crazy”?

Isa 1:14 Your new moons and your appointed feasts my soul hateth: they are a trouble unto me; I am weary to bear them.

What If God Said: “I’m Sick And Tired Of You”?

Isa 7:13 And he said, Hear ye now, O house of David; Is it a small thing for you to weary men, but will ye weary my God also?

 

What If God Said: “If You Don’t Like It, Go To Hell”?

2Th 2:12 That they all might be damned who believed not the truth, but had pleasure in unrighteousness.

What If God Said: “You Never Were Any Good”?

Acts 7:51 Ye stiffnecked and uncircumcised in heart and ears, ye do always resist the Holy Ghost: as your fathers did, so do ye.

What If God Said: “Are You Stupid Or Something?”

KJV – Matt. 15:16 And Jesus said, Are ye also yet without understanding?

MSG – Matt. 15:16 Jesus replied, “You too? Are you being willfully stupid?

 

What If God Said, “Who Do You Think You Are?”

Rom 9:20 Nay but, O man, who art thou that repliest against God? Shall the thing formed say to him that formed it, Why hast thou made me thus?

What If God Said, “If You Do That, I’ll Act Like I Don’t Know You”?

Mat 7:23 And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.

Luke 13:25 When once the master of the house is risen up, and hath shut to the door, and ye begin to stand without, and to knock at the door, saying, Lord, Lord, open unto us; and he shall answer and say unto you, I know you not whence ye are:

Luke 13:26 Then shall ye begin to say, We have eaten and drunk in thy presence, and thou hast taught in our streets.

Luke 13:27 But he shall say, I tell you, I know you not whence ye are; depart from me, all ye workers of iniquity.

What If God Said, “Get Out Of My Face”?

Luke 13:27 But he shall say, I tell you, I know you not whence ye are; depart from me, all ye workers of iniquity.

What If God Said, “It’s My Way Or The Highway”?

John 10:7 Then said Jesus unto them again, Verily, verily, I say unto you, I am the door of the sheep.

John 10:1 Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that entereth not by the door into the sheepfold, but climbeth up some other way, the same is a thief and a robber.

What If Jesus Called You A Snake In The Grass?

Mat 23:33 Ye serpents, ye generation of vipers, how can ye escape the damnation of hell?

What If The Bible Called You A Pervert?

Acts 13:10 And said, O full of all subtilty and all mischief, thou child of the devil, thou enemy of all righteousness, wilt thou not cease to pervert the right ways of the Lord?

Gal 1:7 Which is not another; but there be some that trouble you, and would pervert the gospel of Christ.

What If The Bible Said You Look Like A Hooker?

Prov. 7:10 And, behold, there met him a woman with the attire of an harlot, and subtil of heart.

What If The Bible Called You A Big Baby?

Heb 5:13 For every one that useth milk is unskilful in the word of righteousness: for he is a babe.

What If God Called You A Crook?

Mal 3:8 Will a man rob God? Yet ye have robbed me. But ye say, Wherein have we robbed thee? In tithes and offerings.

What If Jesus Said, “I’m Outa Here”?

John 16:7 Nevertheless I tell you the truth; It is expedient for you that I go away: for if I go not away, the Comforter will not come unto you; but if I depart, I will send him unto you.

John 16:8 And when he is come, he will reprove the world of sin, and of righteousness, and of judgment:

John 16:9 Of sin, because they believe not on me;

John 16:10 Of righteousness, because I go to my Father, and ye see me no more;

What If God Said, “You Talking to Me?”

John 8:5 Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou?

Joh 8:6 This they said, tempting him, that they might have to accuse him. But Jesus stooped down, and with his finger wrote on the ground, as though he heard them not.

What If God Said, “I Will Always Love You”?

Jer 31:3 The LORD hath appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.

Deut. 7:7 The LORD did not set his love upon you, nor choose you, because ye were more in number than any people; for ye were the fewest of all people:

Deut. 7:8 But because the LORD loved you, and because he would keep the oath which he had sworn unto your fathers, hath the LORD brought you out with a mighty hand, and redeemed you out of the house of bondmen, from the hand of Pharaoh king of Egypt.

Deut. 7:9 Know therefore that the LORD thy God, he is God, the faithful God, which keepeth covenant and mercy with them that love him and keep his commandments to a thousand generations;

Deut. 7:10 And repayeth them that hate him to their face, to destroy them: he will not be slack to him that hateth him, he will repay him to his face.

Deut. 7:11 Thou shalt therefore keep the commandments, and the statutes, and the judgments, which I command thee this day, to do them.

Deut. 7:12 Wherefore it shall come to pass, if ye hearken to these judgments, and keep, and do them, that the LORD thy God shall keep unto thee the covenant and the mercy which he sware unto thy fathers:

Deut. 7:13 And he will love thee, and bless thee, and multiply thee: he will also bless the fruit of thy womb, and the fruit of thy land, thy corn, and thy wine, and thine oil, the increase of thy kine, and the flocks of thy sheep, in the land which he sware unto thy fathers to give thee.

Deut. 7:14 Thou shalt be blessed above all people: there shall not be male or female barren among you, or among your cattle.

Deut. 7:15 And the LORD will take away from thee all sickness, and will put none of the evil diseases of Egypt, which thou knowest, upon thee; but will lay them upon all them that hate thee.

What If God Said, “Call Me If You Need Me”?

Psa 50:15 And call upon me in the day of trouble: I will deliver thee, and thou shalt glorify me.

Luke 11:9 And I say unto you, Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.

Luke 11:10 For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.

What If The Bible Said, “There’s Only One Way To Be Saved”?

Acts 4:12 Neither is there salvation in any other: for there is none other name under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved.

 

Acts 2:37 Now when they heard this, they were pricked in their heart, and said unto Peter and to the rest of the apostles, Men and brethren, what shall we do?

Acts 2:38 Then Peter said unto them, Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost.

Acts 2:39 For the promise is unto you, and to your children, and to all that are afar off, even as many as the Lord our God shall call.